— At the Time of Diagnosis

• Tell them the loved one is ill and ask them how much information they want about the illness. Let them know you are willing to answer their questions.

• Provide accurate information about the disease in language appropriate to their age. Name the disease and explain how it affects the body.

• Tell them whether or not the disease is infectious. Children may fear they can “catch” the illness and therefore, distance themselves from their loved one.

• Explain the cause of the disease. “Magical thinking” in young children may lead them to believe that something they said or did caused the disease. Reassure them the illness is never the fault of a child. If the disease was caused by a certain lifestyle, be aware they will fear for others with a similar lifestyle. For example, if the disease can be related to smoking, they may begin to hide cigarettes or beg other loved ones to stop smoking.

• Give them Information about treatment and the expected side effects. They may wish to accompany the loved one to treatments. They can be told that everything possible is being done to fight the disease.

• When a cure is no longer possible, tell them this is a serious illness that causes death. This allows them time to prepare.

— If the Disease Becomes Life-Threatening

• Give them the opportunity to spend time with the patient and participate with them in meaningful activities. Otherwise, they may be left with the feeling that they did not get to say goodbye. If they are not told the prognosis and participate in their regular routine, after the death they may feel guilty about not making time for the loved one. Ask them how much time they want to spend with the ill person. Confirm that it is their job to be a youngster. It is ok to want to be with friends, attend school and enjoy their usual routine.

• Help children and teens discover ways to interact with the patient. Be creative in involving them in the care of the patient. They can bring needed items to the room, draw pictures to decorate the room, read to the patient. Ask them what they would like to do. You may be surprised at the creative ideas they come up with. If there has been conflict, help the child resolve these issues.

• Let them know you are available to answer their questions. Tell them you may cry when talking about the person but assure them you are only letting out your feelings, you are ok, and you will continue to care for them. Give them permission to cry and show their feelings. It may help them to have a notebook where they can write their questions. Adults can then read their questions and either write the answers or talk to them.

• Include others in the nurturing of your child. You may not be able to provide your children with all the physical and emotional support that they are used to during this time. Other loving adults can support your child and provide concrete service by doing such things as driving them to social functions.

• Inform school personnel about the illness. Your child may struggle at school while they are focused on their concern about what is happening at home that day.

— When Death Occurs

• Include the child in making a plan for the day of the death. If they are at school, do they want someone to come to school to get them? If so, is there a particular person they would like to come for them. Or do they want to learn of the death only after they have arrived home at the end of the school day.

• Do they want to spend time with the body before it is removed by the mortuary? Do they want to do this alone or do they want someone else with them. If yes, prepare them for what the body will look like.

• Consult them on what they want their teachers and classmates to know. Some children will say that they do not want others to know. Gently explain to them that it is likely that classmates will find out in some other way, such as from a parent reading the obituary in the newspaper. If they miss school for the funeral, classmates may ask why they were not in school. This is an opportunity for them to learn about the support that can be provided by others.

• Let them choose how they would like the classmates to learn of the death. Elementary teachers may inform the whole class in their absence. In this case, classmates can create cards of sympathy and support, teaching children how to support others through a sad time. In some cases children want to be the ones to share the information about the death with the class. For middle and high school age youth the news usually is shared in a less formal manner, such as social media and word of mouth.

• Include them in the funeral planning and allow them to participate if they chose.

— Children & Funerals

The death of a family member or close friend can be overwhelming for a child. Parents and teachers often have questions about how to provide emotional support for a child after a death and how to handle their participation in a funeral or memorial service.

Should my child attend a funeral?

Children of any age can attend a funeral with preparation about what to expect. Infants and very young children benefit from having a familiar person prepared to remove them from the funeral if they become restless. This could be a family friend or a regular care provider; someone who would not feel the need to stay in the service for their own benefit.

How do I explain a funeral to my child?

Many children aren’t aware of the purpose of a funeral or memorial service or what to expect. Providing clear, concise information will help them make a decision about whether they want to attend. This should include the specifics about where and when the service will be, who will attend, the order of service, potential reaction of others, and any special plans. There should also be discussion of whether or not there are plans for a burial or cremation and the meaning of both. Give them honest, concrete answers. They can sense when you are sidestepping an issue.

How do I prepare my child for the service?

Explain the service in age appropriate terms and be aware of not projecting your own bias into the conversations. Comments such as “You should remember them like they were” may give the impression that a funeral is frightening or even dangerous. If the casket is to be open, it is wise to tell them that the body will not look or feel like it did when the person was alive.

How much should I tell my child about burial and cremation?

Children are naturally curious about what happens to the body of a person who dies. Begin the conversation by telling them that the person who died no longer needs their body, and then briefly describe burial or cremation. For example:

“When someone dies their body is no longer needed by them and we have to decide what to do with it. We put the body in a special box called a casket and bury it or take it to a place where it goes into a very hot oven and is burned. Because there is no longer life in the body, we say goodbye to their body at the funeral service.”

Will the funeral be too emotional for my child?

Funerals help all family members say goodbye to the person who died so they can begin to accept the loss and start to heal. Attending a funeral helps a child understand that funerals are about celebrating someone’s life as well as mourning their death. They will have the opportunity to share memories, both sad ones and comforting ones, and observe family and friends supporting one another. Children report feeling left out and resentful when they are not given a choice about attending a funeral or memorial service. They may assume that adults feel they are not mature enough to attend with the rest of the family, impacting their view of themselves.

What can I expect?

There are as many reactions to a funeral as there are children. Some may be shy, pulling away from adults who claim to know them but are essentially strangers. Adults may pat them on the head and tell them how much they have grown and they do not know what to say or do. They may play with other children in attendance that they have not seen for some time. They value having teachers at the service but may not speak to them. As long as the child’s behavior does not disrupt the proceedings, and is their honest reaction, it is okay.

What if my child doesn’t want to go to the funeral?

Children should not be forced to attend the funeral if they understand the concept and choose not to go. If you feel they are uncomfortable going, offer an alternative that feels right for both of you. If they choose to go to school, let the teacher know that this is a special day for them and they may need additional support. Plan something for you and your child to do together to mark the occasion such as visiting the cemetery or crematorium and having your own private memorial time.

Should my child take part in the funeral or memorial service?

Memorialization is an important part of the healing process and can begin at the funeral. A child can participate in the service depending on their interest, age and ability. Ask children for their ideas. They will surprise you and create something that is truly meaningful for them. Some children may want to play music, read something they have written, or place a memento in the casket. Looking through photos with family and choosing those for display at the funeral involves them in the family stories.

Is there anything I should do after the funeral or memorial service?

After the service talk with your kids to see if they have questions or misconceptions about the service or the reactions of the other attendees. They may interpret casual conversations or laughter they saw during or after the service as a sign of disrespect for their loved one. Note that adults in attendance may have made inappropriate comments to them. For example: telling a young boy whose father has died, that he is the man of the house now or that it is his job to take care of his mother. Explain that even adults do not know what to say to comfort someone who is grieving but that they were there because they care about your family.

— At the Time of Diagnosis

• Tell them the loved one is ill and ask them how much information they want about the illness. Let them know you are willing to answer their questions.

• Provide accurate information about the disease in language appropriate to their age. Name the disease and explain how it affects the body.

• Tell them whether or not the disease is infectious. Children may fear they can “catch” the illness and therefore, distance themselves from their loved one.

• Explain the cause of the disease. “Magical thinking” in young children may lead them to believe that something they said or did caused the disease. Reassure them the illness is never the fault of a child. If the disease was caused by a certain lifestyle, be aware they will fear for others with a similar lifestyle. For example, if the disease can be related to smoking, they may begin to hide cigarettes or beg other loved ones to stop smoking.

• Give them Information about treatment and the expected side effects. They may wish to accompany the loved one to treatments. They can be told that everything possible is being done to fight the disease.

• When a cure is no longer possible, tell them this is a serious illness that causes death. This allows them time to prepare.

— If the Disease Becomes Life-Threatening

• Give them the opportunity to spend time with the patient and participate with them in meaningful activities. Otherwise, they may be left with the feeling that they did not get to say goodbye. If they are not told the prognosis and participate in their regular routine, after the death they may feel guilty about not making time for the loved one. Ask them how much time they want to spend with the ill person. Confirm that it is their job to be a youngster. It is ok to want to be with friends, attend school and enjoy their usual routine.

• Help children and teens discover ways to interact with the patient. Be creative in involving them in the care of the patient. They can bring needed items to the room, draw pictures to decorate the room, read to the patient. Ask them what they would like to do. You may be surprised at the creative ideas they come up with. If there has been conflict, help the child resolve these issues.

• Let them know you are available to answer their questions. Tell them you may cry when talking about the person but assure them you are only letting out your feelings, you are ok, and you will continue to care for them. Give them permission to cry and show their feelings. It may help them to have a notebook where they can write their questions. Adults can then read their questions and either write the answers or talk to them.

• Include others in the nurturing of your child. You may not be able to provide your children with all the physical and emotional support that they are used to during this time. Other loving adults can support your child and provide concrete service by doing such things as driving them to social functions.

• Inform school personnel about the illness. Your child may struggle at school while they are focused on their concern about what is happening at home that day.

— When Death Occurs

• Include the child in making a plan for the day of the death. If they are at school, do they want someone to come to school to get them? If so, is there a particular person they would like to come for them. Or do they want to learn of the death only after they have arrived home at the end of the school day.

• Do they want to spend time with the body before it is removed by the mortuary? Do they want to do this alone or do they want someone else with them. If yes, prepare them for what the body will look like.

• Consult them on what they want their teachers and classmates to know. Some children will say that they do not want others to know. Gently explain to them that it is likely that classmates will find out in some other way, such as from a parent reading the obituary in the newspaper. If they miss school for the funeral, classmates may ask why they were not in school. This is an opportunity for them to learn about the support that can be provided by others.

• Let them choose how they would like the classmates to learn of the death. Elementary teachers may inform the whole class in their absence. In this case, classmates can create cards of sympathy and support, teaching children how to support others through a sad time. In some cases children want to be the ones to share the information about the death with the class. For middle and high school age youth the news usually is shared in a less formal manner, such as social media and word of mouth.

• Include them in the funeral planning and allow them to participate if they chose.

— Children & Funerals

The death of a family member or close friend can be overwhelming for a child. Parents and teachers often have questions about how to provide emotional support for a child after a death and how to handle their participation in a funeral or memorial service.

Should my child attend a funeral?

Children of any age can attend a funeral with preparation about what to expect. Infants and very young children benefit from having a familiar person prepared to remove them from the funeral if they become restless. This could be a family friend or a regular care provider; someone who would not feel the need to stay in the service for their own benefit.

How do I explain a funeral to my child?

Many children aren’t aware of the purpose of a funeral or memorial service or what to expect. Providing clear, concise information will help them make a decision about whether they want to attend. This should include the specifics about where and when the service will be, who will attend, the order of service, potential reaction of others, and any special plans. There should also be discussion of whether or not there are plans for a burial or cremation and the meaning of both. Give them honest, concrete answers. They can sense when you are sidestepping an issue.

How do I prepare my child for the service?

Explain the service in age appropriate terms and be aware of not projecting your own bias into the conversations. Comments such as “You should remember them like they were” may give the impression that a funeral is frightening or even dangerous. If the casket is to be open, it is wise to tell them that the body will not look or feel like it did when the person was alive.

How much should I tell my child about burial and cremation?

Children are naturally curious about what happens to the body of a person who dies. Begin the conversation by telling them that the person who died no longer needs their body, and then briefly describe burial or cremation. For example:

“When someone dies their body is no longer needed by them and we have to decide what to do with it. We put the body in a special box called a casket and bury it or take it to a place where it goes into a very hot oven and is burned. Because there is no longer life in the body, we say goodbye to their body at the funeral service.”

Will the funeral be too emotional for my child?

Funerals help all family members say goodbye to the person who died so they can begin to accept the loss and start to heal. Attending a funeral helps a child understand that funerals are about celebrating someone’s life as well as mourning their death. They will have the opportunity to share memories, both sad ones and comforting ones, and observe family and friends supporting one another. Children report feeling left out and resentful when they are not given a choice about attending a funeral or memorial service. They may assume that adults feel they are not mature enough to attend with the rest of the family, impacting their view of themselves.

What can I expect?

There are as many reactions to a funeral as there are children. Some may be shy, pulling away from adults who claim to know them but are essentially strangers. Adults may pat them on the head and tell them how much they have grown and they do not know what to say or do. They may play with other children in attendance that they have not seen for some time. They value having teachers at the service but may not speak to them. As long as the child’s behavior does not disrupt the proceedings, and is their honest reaction, it is okay.

What if my child doesn’t want to go to the funeral?

Children should not be forced to attend the funeral if they understand the concept and choose not to go. If you feel they are uncomfortable going, offer an alternative that feels right for both of you. If they choose to go to school, let the teacher know that this is a special day for them and they may need additional support. Plan something for you and your child to do together to mark the occasion such as visiting the cemetery or crematorium and having your own private memorial time.

Should my child take part in the funeral or memorial service?

Memorialization is an important part of the healing process and can begin at the funeral. A child can participate in the service depending on their interest, age and ability. Ask children for their ideas. They will surprise you and create something that is truly meaningful for them. Some children may want to play music, read something they have written, or place a memento in the casket. Looking through photos with family and choosing those for display at the funeral involves them in the family stories.

Is there anything I should do after the funeral or memorial service?

After the service talk with your kids to see if they have questions or misconceptions about the service or the reactions of the other attendees. They may interpret casual conversations or laughter they saw during or after the service as a sign of disrespect for their loved one. Note that adults in attendance may have made inappropriate comments to them. For example: telling a young boy whose father has died, that he is the man of the house now or that it is his job to take care of his mother. Explain that even adults do not know what to say to comfort someone who is grieving but that they were there because they care about your family.